Poor old Arsene Wenger can't catch a break. The penny finally seemed to have dropped that Olivier Giroud couldn't score in a brothel with a £50 note wrapped round his rod, and that spunking a huge chunk of that healthy bank balance on Jamie Vardy was the way to go.
However, after being promised a lifetime supply of Blue WKD and economy hair gel, the Leicester striker has decided against finishing between 2nd and 4th for the rest of his career in favour of extending his stay at the King Power stadium.
So what does Wenger do now? Fortunately for Arsenal fans, 'Le Profeesuer' has several contingency plans in place to land the man who can get the goals Giroud can't.
TheSPORTbible's unnamed and highly unreliable source has exclusively revealed Wenger's re-written wanted list:
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Gary Goals
Gary Goals is the man who has scored in literally every game he's ever played in, according to himself. What Wenger wouldn't do for a man who has at least a one in one ratio. That's 38 goals in the season guaranteed, or, about 7 when you take into account all the games he'll be injured for.
Another big advantage for signing Goals, as well as the obvious headline benefits, is that the striker is easily contactable. As Goals himself says he scores all sorts of goals and you'd imagine he'll fit into Wenger's system perfectly. One drawback could be that Gary states 'no time wasters' - which could rule Arsenal out of the race.
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Lee Chapman
The move for Vardy seemed like an odd one for Gunners with the Premier League's second top scorer not really looking like a good fit in Arsenal's keep ball style. But if it was a change of tactics for Wenger then the obvious decision is to go like for like, and who is more like Jamie Vardy than a man paid to be like Jamie Vardy.
Okay, so Chapman might not have proven Premier League pedigree, but he's the same size and weight as Vardy and even comes complete with novelty arm bandage. The guy is a fantasist and a pretender, so seems like a perfect match for Arsene's army.
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Ade Akinfenwa
If you thought Gary Goals was easy to get in contact with then Akinfenwa's even easier. Not only did the now former AFC Wimbledon striker give an open invitation at the end of the play-off final for manager to Whatsapp him, but the man who invented Beast Mode is also very active on Twitter. Just get one of your social media savvy players to ping over a 140 character message and he'll definitely reply.
Akinfenwa's penchant for a picture also makes him the perfect addition to the Arsenal team, because there's nothing that they're better at than talking selfies for no discernible reason. One fly in the ointment here of course is Akinfenwa's size and stature, which could cause murders in training against the Gunners biscuit boned defenders. That injury room is already busy enough.
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Nicklas Bendtner
Despite the fact that the statistics suggest he's properly sh*t, the former Wolfsburg striker maintains that he's the world's best and everyone knows a striker needs confidence. This guy has more bravado than Gary Goals with the added bonus he has no qualms about playing for time wasters
Having just been released from the Bundesliga side, Bendtner would be a much cheaper option than both Goals and Chapman and unlike Akinfenwa he does have experience of both the Premier League and Champions League. Besides, who doesn't love a returning hero? Think of the cheers when the PA announcer shouts "And welcome back to the Emirates Nicklas Bendtner," okay so maybe they won't be that loud, it is the Emirates after all.
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Thierry Henry
Speaking of returning heroes, isn't it about time that Henry came out of retirement for a second time? The statue of him at the front of the Emirates has caused opposition defenders more problems than some of his successors, so why not dust down those Nike Tiempo's for a final swansong?
Having helped coach at Arsenal in recent times, the football god turned bang average Sky pundit must have looked around the training ground and thought to himself "F*ck me, I could do better than this lot."
Zlatan Ibrahimovic
"Zlatan doesn't do auditions," and maybe this time Wenger could do away with asking for a trial and just get straight down to signing him. The Frenchman has previous in signing washed up Swedes following the Kim Kallstrom debacle, and he could get one over arch-rival Jose Mourinho by nabbing Ibra.
After signing Ibra, the 66-year-old could then go and sign N'Golo Kante, Riyad Mahrez, Cristiano Ronaldo, Yaya Toure, Vincent Kompany, Roberto Carlos, Angel Di Maria, Lionel Messi, Dimitri Payet and all the other players who he could have landed but didn't.
Didier Drogba
Surely the dream signing for the North London club? Firstly it would majorly p*ss off Chelsea fans AND Jose Mourinho, but more importantly Wenger could for once guarantee Drogba wouldn't score against his team. The king of Stamford Bridge is still banging the goals in with nine in 11 last season for Montreal Impact in MLS and another seven in nine this season.
.The former Marseille striker, like Zlatan, fits into the list of "could have signed," with the manager once claiming he could have bought the striker for £100,000 when he was at Le Mans. Yeah, and I nearly dated Blake Lively when she was in college...
Will Grigg
The Northern Ireland striker is well short of the required calibre, but that hasn't stopped Wenger before. It would be suicide to play the lower league journeyman but he'd be a fantastic 'mascot' to inject some much needed atmosphere around the Emirates.
Even the Gooners faithful could rouse themselves into a rendition of 'Will Grigg's on fire' and doing so would keep up a rich tradition of claiming others songs as their own. The 24-year-old is fresh after a summer of inactivity sat on benches around France and the 25 league goals he scored for Wigan last year was nine more than Giroud managed
Emile Heskey
Erm...like you need telling who Heskey is on Wenger's list, it's Emile f*cking Heskey!
So who do you think Wenger should sign from his list?
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